When Disco In Space Does Well In Focus Groups, You Get Passengers...?

You wonder sometimes about the Hollywood studios. Maybe those Sony hacks showed us just how gnarly things are behind their doors. If the marketing rolling out for Passengers is any indication, we may need North Korea to send its hackers in and help them manage their affairs.

I get it. They got metrics. They got focus groups and sh*t telling informing them what it isaudiences want. But come on! Audiences want this?

This is the kind of movie that, on paper, sounds like a million bucks to a studio. An old-fashioned romance between two box-office powerhouses shot expensively. This is high-fashion runway, Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show kind of moviemaking. It’s all about broadcasting the big start looking ridicuslously good-looking on the biggest most elaborate runway you’ve ever seen in a primetime spot.

Too bad it has no idea what the hell it is.

Trailer #1

The 'We want everyone to see this movie. You, your mom, your girlfriend, your J-Law obsessed cousin Jeb, your Roomba, and, to hell with it, invite that pervert on the second floor.' Trailer

According to the first trailer for Passengers, this is a quirky rom com in space that becomes an intense, personal relationship drama in space and settles into an action thriller...in space.

This trailer hits as many notes as Mariah Carey stubbing her toe. This trailer's obsessive, gratuitous frequency of sexy Jennifer Lawrence shots is sort of off-putting. This trailer is peacocking like a son of a b*tch, drawing as much attention to every expenseive CGI set-piece in the movie. Does it want to shoot its stars like they're top-of-the-line sports cars?

What IS this movie?

Trailer #2

The 'Boys aged 18-35 love J-Law so much but they really don't step away from the PS4 to see her movies in theatres so let's make it look like she's kicking ass, too' Trailer

All I keep thinking when I watched this is how far Jennifer Lawrence has fallen. Truly, she was once considered one of the next great actresses. Now look at what she's doing. She's become a full-fledged commercialized commodity. Do you remember her in Winter's Bone? That was only six years ago.

*sigh* Oh well, at least the next trailer has music by Imagine Dragons. Couldn't be worse than this...

Music clip #1

The 'How much more can we make this look like The Bachelor?' Trailer

This you can't un-see. As tempting as it is to let the numerous gratuitous shots of Lawrence's stunning beauty wash over your eyeballs, cascade through your cornea, and take a steamy shower on your brain, everything about this hurts.

The music is...just awful. This is the most expensive joke ever committed.

I've watched these trailers a few times each and I still can't figure I know what this movie is. Although, I guess I have. It is about something: how studios want to market movies in the 21st Century. Be marketed to, if you care.

Rhys Dowbiggin @Rdowb

Rhys has worked six years in the public relations industry rubbing shoulders with movie stars (who ignored him) to athletes (who tolerated him). He likes tiki-taka football, jelly beans, and arguing with Bruce about everything.