It's A Trap! Analyzing The Star Wars Trailer By Someone Who Doesn’t Care About Star Wars Anymore

There was a time when Star Wars was all I had. For a grade eight English presentation, I showed to my class my collection of original Star Wars novels (Hard Merchandise drew more than a few snickers). I was writing fan fiction before fan fiction was even non-fiction. I spent an entire summer arguing with a kid at camp that, no, it wasn’t Bubba Fett, it was Boba Fett (the summer ended with us ‘agreeing to disagree’ – but him being totally wrong and stupid and I let him know that). Star Wars was my jam.

I can’t say when exactly it all fell apart. It wasn’t any one event – though Episode Two: Attack of the Clones did its damndest – but a slow burn, a steady erosion. As Star Wars grew from a franchise into a hip, more corporately synthesized brand, my passion waned. The more Star Wars shirts I saw on the street, the less it mattered. When my friends who I knew had zero interest in Star Wars began obsessing over it more than me, I knew there had been a disturbance in...the Force...

Maybe it’s because I went to college and girls became a helluva lot more interesting than how the New Republic was going to combat the Yuzhaan Vong. Who can tell? All I know is I am a lapsed Star Wars head.

Needless to say, my reaction to the new Star Wars trailer was something akin to finding out a Starbucks had popped up on the corner from your apartment. What, another one? Do they really need another one!? But of course they do.

Let's break it down:

(00:09) Those damn AT-AT’s! They just scream autocracy! It sounds like, ‘Mwwwooouuuuuu!’

(00:17) Pick that sh*t up, Kylo! It isn't a Star Wars movie unless someone dramatically picks up a lightsaber. If hip hop artists drop mics to make a point, Jedi pick up sabers to mean mug.

(00:34) Luke's hand is a mess. In Return of the Jedi he had a nice black glove to cover it, keep the dust, dirt, and pebbles from jamming up his hand. Now he's got that thing out there, exposed to the elements. If Luke had a car, that thing would have rusted after a single winter. What a chump. Just irresponsible is what that is.

(00:43) Just this shot alone suggests we're going to get some epic training montages in this movie.

(0:55) The power….THE POWERRRRR! Force powers are just like iPhones: each generation is ‘the most powerful one yet’. Yoda, Palpatine, Anakin, Luke, Kylo, and now Jyn! And just like iPhones, we get the hype. The iPhone X has face recognition technology! Jyn can vibrate rocks! Siri can give you morning updates! Jyn can crack the ground! Sorry, calls still drop out, though...

(1:05) Admittedly, I dig that Kylo has a seriously bad temper. Wouldn't wanna get his coffee order wrong.

(1:14) What’s with that sh*t on Kylo’s face? Does he have a sore muscle, like a professional athlete? Did he pull a cheek muscle from all that moping?

(1:16) ...and there's our first shot of Princess Leia. Are we speculating if she's gonna get off'd in this one since Carrie Fisher passed away? What does it all MEAN!?

(1:32) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT HAMSTER DOING!? 

(1:43) Oh, look! John Boyega is in this movie. I was getting worried he was too busy fighting Kaijus.

(1:59) Whooooa, Jyn has some sick limbo skillz.

(2:17) So, are they trying to build up the idea that Kylie Kylo can come back from the Dark Side? Just. Like. Anakin. Did. You know, for a franchise that took such a beating after The Force Awakens (largely by people who shrugged and smiled about it) for copying the original trilogy, they aren’t exactly doing a better job.

What to take from this? Well, for one, I don't know if I really learned much, if anything. It just looks like the Empire Strikes Back: Part II. They should just start naming the Star Wars movies like Japanese video games. Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Episode 7, The Empire Strikes Back: Volume II. You know what? Then I'd get back into it.

Rhys Dowbiggin @Rdowb

Rhys has worked six years in the public relations industry rubbing shoulders with movie stars (who ignored him) to athletes (who tolerated him). He likes tiki-taka football, jelly beans, and arguing with Bruce about everything.