The Gonger Reviews...Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Starring: Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Daniels, Domhnall Gleeson, Richard E. Grant, Ian McDiarmid and Billy D. Williams.

Synopsis: The big boss is back with a super fleet of Star Destroyers with Deathstar guns and Rey and the gang have to go stop him but to find the planet they need the thing that they find in the old Death Star but not the really old one, the other one the idiots didn’t finish building but the thing gets broke but it’s ok because Rey finds another thing and they go to the planet and STAR WAR!!!

Acting: Finally we get Daisy Ridley as the lead! One of the big issues I have with these new Star Wars is there are just too many characters. How can I possibly invest in any one? This flick has this problem, too, but at least it revolves around Rey and Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren. Speaking of which, Driver nails it! From dark to light, Driver’s portrayal from Ren to Ben is great! So much so that I wish we spent more time with Ben to see how Driver would play the Jedi Master more than the whiny Ren. John Boyega and Oscar Isaac bring heart and humour to the picture as they return to the buddy cop dynamic that worked so well in the Force Awakens. All in all the players energy in this flick is the true star. 1.5/2

Directing: Well, this is definitely a JJ Abrams flick. Right down to the lens flares. He does what he does best and crafts an exciting film with plenty of mystery box. He plays a bit to much fan service though and allows way to much of the old to seep into this flick. A scene with Wedge Antilles is half a second long and a scene about the same length with some bar tender who I had to look up, turns out it’s just John Williams (the composer of the score for all nine movies if you didn’t know.) But why? It doesn’t drive the plot or anything. Its just so gordo fans can say “Hey, see that guy? I know that guy.” Ok, boomer. Who the frick cares? I want to be invested in the new characters really and Abrams does manage to invest time into the new guys but cut the fan fare and just give us a powerful story. Makes me miss old Georgey boy. (Did I just say that?) 1.5/2

Soundtrack: First thing fucking last, I really like John Williams scores but this is old hat once again. Empire and Menace are the master works of the saga. That being said though, its a pretty good score. Its very Star Warsy and really thats all it should be and its kind of darker I guess. Nothing stands out to me though. I’ve listened to it a couple times to because I’m a gentleman. It has that choir shit and I’m a sucker for that. Reys theme is spattered around too and I like that one... um, i’ll give it 1.5/2 so you Star Wars goons don’t gonk me in the streets. Just know I’m not above using Baby Yoda as weapon.

Editing: IT’S TOO LONG!!! Trim off some of the fat! I know Star Wars fans demand answers but you don’t have to pander. I already blamed the fan fare on Abrams but you editors are the final say and I know your pressured by fat Disney corporate cats to produce something for everyone but ultimately this flick is kind of forgettable because theres too much going on. It needs about forty five minutes cut. I don’t know where but fix it! Just make it good! I know you can! 1/2 because it had good flow.

Writing: Ok…sigh…let’s get into this. So full disclosure, up front, I won’t mess you around: this is getting a zero. Yeah there is a story and a plot type thing but it’s a commercial first and although there are parts I did like, I’m getting sick of this crap. It’s good story telling mired by buzz worthy bullshit and at the end of the day I don’t care about any of the characters. At the end of episode six we get a full character study of Luke, Leia, and Han. They developed fiercely and they became my heroes as a child. Rey’s story is more shallow than a kiddie pool and this whole grand daughter of Emperor Palpatine swerve is kind of a letdown and quite frankly, a bit called in. Then there is Princess Leia, what they did to add her into the movie didn’t work. The actors where acting to a brick wall and it’s a complete abomination. I love Carrie Fisher, too, so I’m ok with just letting her rest in peace. Thats’ what that means. Respect her in life and death. Bringing her back from the dead just did not work as it didn’t when they tried that bullshit with Peter Crushing. Abomination! They could have started the flick with a funeral for Princess Leia, not a dry eye in the house. That’s respect. Bringing back Palpatine was a cheap move too. We had our bad guy in Kylo Ren and it was always Rey’s task to bring him back to the light or something! But nooo! We need more characters and nonsense. They could have done something similar with the whole Exogal Final Order too. Just all Ren’s plan or General Hux which was a waste. What else? Babu Fink? Ok, I liked Babu Fink but he’s no Baby Yoda so stop marketing him as such! And the Knights who say REN! REN! REN! Haha! What a waste of some cool ass action figures. These guys could have been utilized so much more and yet here they are on the back burner. Weak ass! I’ve been waiting four long years to watch these guys do some bad ass shit and all we get is them standing around in a desert!? Yeah Ben chops them up good at the end but its pretty quick and not half as cool as other light sabre fights. What can I say, its a total mess. 

5.5/10 I just want any one who read my Last Jedi review to know that that was a troll. Of course it isn’t a 9.5! 6 if Im in a good mood, maybe.