Cauz & Effect: Seven Easy Steps To Make Speaking Wine

I always feel bad for people who get nervous around wine. Whether it is staring uncomfortably at the massive tomb at fancy restaurants that looks more like a wizard’s spell book than a wine list to being cornered by a couple at a cocktail party as they recount their recent trip to Burgundy, wine can be intimidating.

For me wine is fun, it’s a chance to learn something new. I love discovering the difference between a German Riesling to one made 45 minutes away from my Toronto home. But as someone who has studied wine for years I recognize that I may be in the minority. Now I can’t help you overcome any wine insecurity you have but I can do the next best thing: Make you an insta-wine snob in seven steps!

By following my easy advice you too can look like a total wine expert without really knowing much about wine beyond the concept that you enjoy drinking it, whatever “it” is. If you can incorporate even just a couple of these pointers you will be transformed to the “wine expert” of your peer group.

1. Always Be Swirling!

Just like Alec Baldwin in Glengarry/Glen Ross let me repeat myself, Always Be Swirling. Swirling your glass creates the illusion that you know everything about what’s in your glass. If you want to take it to the next step take a brief inhale of the wine without taking a sip. Everyone around you will be impressed that you are so intent on the “aromatics” (Wine Snob Translation: The smell) that you don’t even need to take a drink. The great thing here is you look like an expert without having to open your mouth.

2. Be Specific with your adjectives

Anyone can say they smell “mango” in their glass. But if you add “slightly bruised” or “under ripe” to your description you immediately sound like you were in the cellar with the winemaker when this wine was being bottled. 

3. Order something different

If you see on a wine list they serve a Gruner Veltliner or Gewurztraminer by the glass you must immediately order it. I know, I know you want that glass of Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio but trust me on this. Nothing says wine knowledge quite like feigning excitement that they have an unusual wine on the menu. Two years ago I order a glass of Gruner Veltliner and the waiter wonder if I worked in “the business”. That could be you!

4. Go full hipster

Declare that you are “so done with Bordeaux”. First off no one is done with Bordeaux, that is impossible. But declaring your divorce from this French miracle creates the illusion that you have spent so much of your life quaffing Bordeaux that it’s time for a change. Bonus points for professing your love to an area that no one drinks from. Try this sentence: “I am just tried of Bordeaux. All I have been drinking lately has been Bulgarian Cabernet.” Yes you will be hated but at least everyone in ear shot will assume you must really know your stuff.

5. Be vaguely negative

You don’t want to say that you hate the wine that is being served. No one likes a Debbie Downer at a party. Also you may be forced to defend yourself if you’re completely dismissive about the glass of Chianti you’re drinking at the dinner table. Instead, drop this line “It’s nice but it kind of dies in the mid palette”. Who is going to argue with anyone who just used the term “mid palette”? Remember most of the people around you also have their own wine insecurities. A back-up review is that the “finish” isn’t that long. It’s not that you hate the wine; it’s just that you wanted something more. The exact critique you would expect from someone in the know.

6. Never try the wine when asked too.

If you have been chosen to order the wine your responsibility goes beyond the actual selection. Soon the waiter will return with the bottle and they’ll pour you a small sample to test to make sure it’s good. Whatever you do don’t actually taste the wine. Instead take a quick sniff and declare that it’s perfect. Everyone around the table will be so impressed that it only took a brief smell for you to 100% discern this wine is ready to drink. The more casual you make this entire exchange the better. Now if the wine smells like expired cat nip you can go the other way and explain that’s off. If you go down this road make sure to invite the server or the manager to take a sip for a second opinion. Doing so shows everyone that you are so secure in your own pronouncement that you don’t fear disagreement from the other “experts”.

7. Tell everyone the big wine mistake made in ‘Sideways’

The most memorable moment in ‘Sideways” was Miles going ballistic outside a restaurant bellowing that he wouldn’t drink any “f***ing merlot”! A hilarious scene except there is just one little problem. Later on we learn his most prized bottle is a 1961 Cheval Blanc, one of the most famous wine producers from Bordeaux. This wine is made up of around 40% Merlot. There is no way that the Miles character did not know this. That’s just bad writing/research by the people who made the film but it does provide you with a little nugget of movie trivia that will set you apart from the rest of wine neophytes. Your tone should be of a mix of the incredulous and the casual as you highlight this mistake.

Well I hope this helps! Just remember that wine is meant to not only be a classy way to get tipsy but it is meant to be fun. Enjoy.

Matt Cauz @mcauz56

Matthew has explored the wineries of Bordeaux, Burgundy, Barolo and many other parts of the world that do start with the letter “B” including New Zealand and California. When he’s not looking for that next great bottle he is a radio host for TSN 1050 in Toronto.