While Joey B and Cardi B Talk WAP The Obamas Take The Wheel

On the list of things we never thought we’d see, Joe “Call Me Joey B” Biden in an interview with Cardi B would be near the top of the list. For those unfamiliar with Cardi’s oeuvre, her latest hit is felicitously titled Wet Ass Pussy— which is a public-service announcement to young women on how to lubricate properly for a night with that someone(s) special.

How much Biden knew of WAP is debatable. (His deceased pal Ted “Let’s Take A Drive”  Kennedy would have certainly brought Joe up to speed.) How much Cardi B, wealthy beyond her dreams, cared about Biden is also in question.

But there they were, exchanging bon mots on the topics of the day. When his handlers finally held up the card reading, “What would you want from this election?” Joe broached the topic of policy. Without hesitation Cardi said free school and free healthcare. (We’re presuming her handlers had suggested that instead of free Vagisil).

Biden immediately reassured Cardi that her wish was his command. Free healthcare and school were now Biden policy promises. You could almost hear the palms of moderate Democrats smacking their foreheads in the next room. And so, two public figures— one ignorant, the other non compos mentis— defined the zeitgeist of 2020.

Do you know how extraterrestrial you have to be to make Donald Trump seem like the normal one in the presidential election? 

But no worries, because this week’s Democratic Zoom conference demonstrated who was still calling the shots. Barack Obama stumped for a third term, exhuming the mummified remains of his Coaltion of the Clevers. In an oration before a blue-screen image of the Constitution he was his condescending best about Traitor Trump and his deplorable… er, unusual followers.

Eschewing 2008’s “rising of the oceans” and “healing of the planet” POTUS 44 instead drowned Trump in putdowns that Cardi-B would be hard-pressed to understand if you spotted her a dictionary with large type. The man whose administration orchestrated a coup against his successor claimed that Trump hasn’t grown in office. White liberals love this stuff like a wino loves ripple.

Sermon From The Barack followed on Monday’s uplift session from Michelle “Because I’m a Black Woman” Obama, who settled the jangled nerves of the Democratic donor class wondering how they will get from pandering Joe to pliable Kamala (Harris), the friend of Wall Street. 

The tipoff that Michelle was delivering a political speech came when she told us, “You know I hate politics.” Her message to fans? They’re not in the wrong, it’s The Other that is the problem. Here’s how she explained away Hillary’s 2016 flop— surely not the fault of sacred Obamites. 

“Four years ago, too many people chose to believe that their votes didn’t matter. Maybe they were fed up. Maybe they thought the outcome wouldn’t be close. Maybe the barriers felt too steep.” (Maybe they failed to visit Wisconsin.)

Or maybe they were the "people shouting in grocery stores, unwilling to wear a mask to keep us all safe… people calling the police on folks minding their own business just because of the color of their skin…”

See, 2016 wasn’t a repudiation of her husband or Hillary. It was simply the fault of voters who failed her standard. Geriatric Joe can now cleanse those sins. Because, as opposed to #OrangeManBad, he has empathy (if not a clue what day of the week it is.) 

“The ability to walk in someone else’s shoes; the recognition that someone else’s experience has value, too.”  Uh… Michelle’s shoes rest in her $12 million mansion at Martha’s Vineyard. Empathy uses the tradesman’s entrance next to Barack’s basketball net.

Then, because she hates politics, she pivoted to defending #BLM, the holiest of liberal holies. “Here at home, as George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and a never-ending list of innocent people of colour continue to be murdered, stating the simple fact that a Black life matters is still met with derision from the nation’s highest office.”

“Never-ending list”? Mrs. Obama knows that only 14 unarmed blacks (from a population of 37 million) were killed by police in 2019 (with just six more so far this year). That represents a 0.000038 percent chance you’d be killed by a cop if you’re an unarmed black. The only thing never-ending are the zeroes after the decimal point.

Because she hates politics, Michelle also failed to mention that over 7200 fellow blacks were murdered by other blacks in 2019— many of the victims children. This year promises to be even worse as tatted-and-gatted gangs roam the streets of Seattle, Portland, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis, NYC, Atlanta etc. Crickets.

In her jeremiad she also failed to scold the looters and intimidators tearing up urban America. Michelle preferred to cast them as altruistic patriots, reaching for the stars (and Gucci bags). “Going high is the only thing that works, because when we go low, when we use those same tactics of degrading and dehumanizing others, we just become part of the ugly noise that’s drowning out everything else. We degrade ourselves. We degrade the very causes for which we fight.

Got that? We turn the other cheek. But we don’t. So party on, Riot Boys. (It’s reported that department store giant Macy’s in the city the Obamas called home before he was elected president will vacate its flagship store in Chicago’s glitzy Water Tower because police cannot provide protection from gangs “going high”.)

Ms. Obama acknowledged that, yes, she’s been on this guilt tack since well before white America elected her husband as the first black president (one in three of those voters later sided with Trump after reviewing the record of the first black president.) But neither she nor her husband are changing minds anymore with their pre-recorded speeches.

Indeed that’s not even the goal. It’s to set the parameters of blame in case Biden loses to Trump in November. It’s not a speech to unite. It’s a speech to divide. And to protect the Obamas from any blame if their ex-VP soils the sheets.

Oh, and to give cover to the Cardi B “Wet Ass Pussy” demographic that considers the Democratic party its natural home.

Bruce Dowbiggin @dowbboy is the editor of Not The Public Broadcaster (http://www.notthepublicbroadcaster.com). The best-selling author of Cap In Hand is also a regular contributor to Sirius XM Canada Talks Ch. 167. A two-time winner of the Gemini Award as Canada's top television sports broadcaster, his next book Personal Account with Tony Comper will be available on BruceDowbigginBooks.ca this fall.