No One Expects The Canadian Golfing Inquisition!

UPDATE: @ahs relents somewhat on its imbecilic golf regulations. Groups of 3 or 4 now allowed— if in same cohort. Now 7 minutes between groups, not 6. Also back-to-back nines can be booked w/ 2 hours in between. Still no word on six-foot gimme radius.

One would have thought that Caddyshack (1980) would have trashed for good the pompous notions about golf. Bushwood CC is burned for all time. Judge Smails is crushed. Bill Murray emerges triumphant.

But no, we now find the class envy and stereotypical twaddle about a “rich person’s game” still living an extended afterlife in the brains of hopeless tea-cozy socialists and permanently angry grad students in Canada. Ie. anyone in the bureaucracy of government.

In two acts of monumental pomposity the white-coated nerds of Canada and their policy-wonk pals— who brought you Lockdown 1: Flattening The Curve, Lockdown 2: Triple Mask and Lockdown 3: Vaccines Aren’t Enough— have now decided to target golf as the villain of the piece.

Actually, one of the victims. Because in their zeal to deflect attention from their Buck Turgidson policies on Covid-19 (“I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops”) the Health® experts have a vast catalogue of suspects for punishment to feed to the media. 

First, Ontario declared, without a scintilla of evidences, that golf was a mortal threat to humans and must be discontinued. In one fell swoop they locked up all the golf courses in the province and sent people looking for recreation to their basements for a bracing game of air hockey or jacks. Offenders were charged.

Being Ontario, there is much outrage, some puny outreach efforts to the Ford mandarins, and not much else. Just to rub a little grit into the wound the fainting goats who constitute Ontario’s ruling class extended the ban till June 2. The golf industry of the province has promised new efforts to reduce the fatwa, but don’t hold your breath.

Not to be outdone, Alberta has now fashioned its own golf regulations. Beginning today, Albertans who wish to golf can only do so with one member of their immediate family unit. In almost all cases this will be the spouse of the golfer. (As if there hasn’t been enough reason for divorce during the quarantines.) 

Henceforth only married/ partnered twosomes are allowed to stroll the wide fairways and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. They must not mingle with any other twosomes on the course. No Bob & Carol & Jack & Arnie co-habiting the tee box. Until the ban is lifted it’s just you and your special other one playing skins.

UNLESS. The golfing person lives alone. In which case they can designate two others as part of their group. They need not be related or even friends. But till Kenney’s Heroes declare the silly season over that trio must play together out not at all. Why? Check back later with the Alberta Leg. Or Bill Murray. Almost the same.

Thinking of a quick snack on the clubhouse deck? Back off! Who do you think you are? A religious official trying to worship his god? Again, golf officials will implore, the beaker heads will deny, and this Pintersque nonsense will prolong itself.

Making the entire farce more galling is the fact that, even as Canada’s politicians are touting Lockdown 4, their neighbours to the south (who share a common border) are rapidly opening up golf and all the sorts of activities again. Pro sports events have 50 percent attendance— sometimes full attendance. Schools are open. The NHL playoff contenders on American teams won’t be tested every five minutes. Even NY governor Andrew (Bring Out Your Dead) Cuomo is promising Broadway open by July.

Risky behaviour on the Theresa Tam Meter-O-Death, no? In fact, numbers are plummeting, even in locked-down blue states. Americans see the finish line and are sprinting to get there. Yes, the mandarins are saying you must wear a mask after vaccine (respect for the Karens), but no one is seriously following that bushwah any longer. 

Here in the True North, it’s still all submission, all the time. The Toronto Star still needs time to blame everything on the hapless Ford government— whose error is listening too much to the Toronto Star in the first place. (Methodist umbrage is so chic.) 

So pack up the niblicks and mashies till the Big Starter tells you it’s safe to swing again. One question springs readily to mind for those who think this golf bashing will have any effect on the pandemic. Where is the evidence to show that being outdoors in the sun and rain and wind at a respectful distance is a danger to anyone’s health? Are we not trying to restore people to health, not to their attic? So far no one from either the Ford or Kenney juntas has deigned to share such evidence with those denied recreation.

It’s just more of spiking positive tests on the CBC hourly snooze. Allow us to respond for the umpteenth time: This is no longer a virus emergency. This is a healthcare emergency exacerbated by slack-jawed media who turn out irrelevant testing factoids like they were M&Ms. The hospital and clinic-crowding equation is Covid-19 + Flatten The Curve + Cutbacks to Healthcare. No more, no less.

Almost 99 percent of the 85,100 people now deemed positive in Canada will have mild or no symptoms. As many as 60 percent could be false positives produced by ridiculous PCR test standards. The median age of Covid death is 82.5 years old—well over the median age of all deaths. Death rates remain disconnected from testing in all but Deena Hinshaw’s mind. https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/canada/

The numbers we see today reflect conditions four-five weeks ago. Yet Health® experts and their media slappies want you to believe you can rectify the past by locking down golf courses a third or fourth time. That shutting down the Men’s League on Wednesday will alleviate the pressure on ICUs. Or keep schools open.

As that old 18-handicapper Karl Marx once noted, history repeats itself. Once as tragedy. Then as farce. We have entered the farcical back nine. Prepare for anything next from Canada’s keepers of the Faith®. Or healthcare. Six of one. Half a dozen of the other..

Bruce Dowbiggin @dowbboy is the editor of Not The Public Broadcaster (http://www.notthepublicbroadcaster.com). The best-selling author of Cap In Hand is also a regular contributor to Sirius XM Canada Talks Ch. 167. A two-time winner of the Gemini Award as Canada's top television sports broadcaster, his new book Personal Account with Tony Comper is now available on http://brucedowbigginbooks.ca/book-personalaccount.aspx